ILY 2018

Oh hi, we’re at the end of 2018 and I feel like it’s been a long time since I’ve shared a personal update. I don’t know if I can overstate how much of a year of change and growth this has been, and yet in the midst of so much that looks different from a year ago, the one constant thing that has woven so many of the days and experiences together is connection – to myself but also to my loved ones and beautiful new friends and strangers alike. I’m craving that feeling in everything these days and noticing what brings me closer and also the things that take me further away (like moving across the country, pun intended).

A few weeks ago, I shared on instagram an idea of looking back through the lens of wins and struggles, because in real life the juxtaposition of the win alongside the struggle gives weight and meaning and context to both. And that feels like a good way to recap this year, because for once it feels true and not cliche to say that the highs were so high and the lows were so low. And I am so thankful for that, because feeling things deeply helps reassure me that I’m staying open to life and the realness and multitude of experiences within it.

So without further ado, here are the wins/highs of 2018:

1. Yoga teacher training
I’m still not sure what type of heart-centered magic lead me to say yes to doing a three-week 200hr yoga teacher immersion in Sayulita, Mexico at the start of the year, but this was absolutely not just a high of this year as much as it was a high of my entire life. And having a certificate that says I can teach yoga isn’t really the win here; it was meeting 15 other yogis and going through it alongside each of them, learning from them and making new friends. Every single one of them was a treasure. The win was also saying yes to adventure, yes to learning, yes to exploring new tools for my toolbox, yes to making space for loving myself and holding space for loving others. I’d like to teach/share more yoga in 2019 and am sending up flares for a creative space for that to happen.

2. Letting go of flowers
Professionally, Letting go of Flowers was my biggest win of 2018 and probably the thing I am most proud of from this year. I love the photos that came from it so, so much as they finally feel like a true creative expression of what lives inside of me. Making my own six-week “residency” of sorts in Carlsbad, next to the ocean and where flowers bloom even in the winter, to do this shoot was fulfilling, joyful, and fun. Realizing that there are so many ways to use my work to bring other people in – by inviting them to be part of it, by sharing it, by giving it away so that it can bring joy to others when they see it in their space – gave me knew ways to think about what it means to be a creative entrepreneur and has changed the way I view my work and my business. And just doing this shoot gave me confidence to try new things and forge a new path…which hopefully continues into the new year.

3. Moving to Austin
If anything is an example of taking the good with the bad, holding space for something to be both the best and hardest thing at the same time, moving to Austin, Tx has been that for me (which is why it’s on both the wins and the struggles). The win was in finishing our kitchen renovation (where I spent almost all of April tiling) and having our house go under contract in three days of putting it on the market, and then finding and buying a house we loved in Austin in just a single weekend of visiting for house-hunting. I still look back on that and can’t believe how beautifully everything fell into place (but see also how much work it really was when we get to the struggles part of this). Why this lives in the wins category: because it taught me that sometimes the most important work to be done is what you do for your family, but also that I can do hard things and getting through the hard things makes me feel like a badass. And like yoga teacher training, finding my place here is one of the biggest areas of growth I see for 2019. Other things I love about where we’ve ended up this year: there is a vibrant creative community here that I’ve only just found the fringes of, more sun and less seasonal depression, and making new friends but keeping the old.

4. Finding a part time job/volunteering
In the course of moving and shedding layers of my past life to make space for a new one, I found myself with time to say yes to trying new things. One of the things I’ve given a lot of lip service to but have always been “too busy” to do is give back by way of volunteering, and one Saturday shortly after moving, I fell down a google rabbit hole that lead me to a small, organic urban farm that had a volunteer program. I have a long-term dream of having a greenhouse and growing flowers, and volunteering at the farm, helping with planting and harvesting vegetables and their flowers, was the most delightful way of learning about growing things and getting outside and away from a computer screen one day a week. And just in time for farm-work ending for the winter season, a new part-time job refinishing mid-century modern furniture for a small female-owned shop found it’s way into my life. Both of these things feel like wins because they gave me a chance to step outside of my comfort zone and say yes to something totally different and meet and help new people. But they were also wins in a very personal way for me, in that I found enjoyable things to do that I didn’t attach my worth to and didn’t have to change or affect my identity or be something where I needed to be ambitious and driven to succeed – in fact, both of these things allow me to honor one of my innate needs, a need to connect to life with all of my senses, and allow me to give something back at the same time.

5. Go Get Her
In what felt like the most perfect way to bookend the journey that started in yoga teacher training at the beginning of the year, in October I went to Utah for a weekend for Go Get Her, which was two days of healing laughter and tears with 17 other wholehearted empath women who showed up to find wisdom inside themselves. That probably either sounds delightful or terrifying to you, depending on how into to being vulnerable and feeling all the feelings you are. But this was a mountaintop experience (both literally and figuratively) for me because I reconnected with a part of myself I stopped listening to years ago – the part that believes and sees the best in me and is a deep well of love and grace. And by finding that part of myself, I’ve found, again, new and more wonderful ways of (re)connecting to other people in my life, which is the theme of all of my wins in 2018. Exploring this space in myself and helping others find it too is something I’m really excited for and in love with in 2019.

And the struggles/lows of 2018:

1. Leaving California
The end of our time adventuring in Mexico/California fell on my 31st birthday and coming back to the East Coast and the real and energy-depleting work of planning the logistics of a cross-country move threw me into a negative space for most of the month of April. It was ugly and challenging and I wasn’t exactly the most uplifting person to be around, which felt so weird and unnatural after spending three months being the happiest I’d been in a long time. Looking back, I expected myself to just seamlessly fall into my life exactly like it was before we left, but that life no longer fit me. But also, I probably should have been softer with myself as I worked through so much transition in a short period of time.

2. Moving to Austin (leaving Maryland)
I wish I could say that I was excited about moving to Austin and then used that excitement to propel me through the move. But that is not how it worked out in reality. If I’m being honest, I was excited when I agreed that we should move for Ben’s job, but then became resentful because of how much I felt I was giving up. Not to mention, the stories I was telling myself about everything created additional inner conflict; I believed I wasn’t working anymore, and yet photographed three weddings in the three weeks before we moved, so was stressed about working too much and not enough at the same time. I grieved letting go of our Annapolis house after putting so much sweat and so many tears into making it what we wanted it to be. And while buying and selling at the same time did work out really well for us in the end, during May and June it felt like two months of crossing our fingers that nothing would fall through on either end and a constant to-do list to get all of the ducks in a row. After several months of living in Austin, I’m still struggling to replace some of the things I loved about our life in Maryland, namely a yoga home and a creative community that is about more than just the hustle.

3. Changing business directions
And here’s the low I’d rather not talk about because it’s hard for me to admit publicly that this has been a struggle, but I can’t ignore it because this one has been building for some time and also I don’t want to live in a world where we don’t talk about the hard side of having a creative business. Looking back, I can see now that I was in a place of real burnout in the middle of 2017, and that was the catalyst for wanting and needing to make changes in 2018 (and in that way, I do look at this as a win – because some things are better for the changes that I made. I’ve reclaimed a lot of my time – omg, I love weekends – and have gotten better at setting boundaries). But walking away from something I was successful at with an obvious market (wedding photography), moving away from my support system at the very same time, and struggling to put into words what I want to do next is a source of feelings of inadequacy and loneliness, as much as I wish I could just wake up every day and be okay with doing whatever feels like the next right thing. I still love making photos, and I want to keep creating in this space, especially exploring from a place of curiosity and play. However, I’m nervous about taking on clients again because of my desire to please them when I create, which is the part of my burnout that I’m still recovering from. I’m listening for whispers of inspiration to tell me what stories to make and share and what platforms work best to do so. In 2019, my heart tells me to continue the print shop (which I’m hoping to use that income to fund future new photo projects – I’m sincerely grateful to everyone who has supported the print shop this year, more than you know) and would very much like to spend more time sharing here again as well.

What I’m most proud of overall in 2018 though, is saying yes to adventure and trying new things because they’ve made my world bigger and brighter and brought in so many new people to love. And my biggest hope for all of us in the new year is that we can stay open to the magical, beautiful things that are in store for each of us. Sending each of you the biggest hug.