I’m sitting on the middle of a see-saw.
On the high side, sitting up in the air, is the creative part of me that wants to barrel full force into the next thing. Dreaming it, building it, painting the word pictures for it, shipping it, sharing it.
On the low side is the…I-don’t-know-what-to-call-her side. I want to give her a generous name, but right now she feels like the heavy, immoveable, dreamy, lazy side of me who refuses to do ANYTHING more than the bare minimum. The she who wants nothing more than to lay in the sun and read books on the beach all day, forever, side of me. She is my inner child, the one who does not care what the world needs or wants from her, throwing her full weight into a tantrum, holding the see-saw hostage. And she refuses to let it balance until she gets what she needs.
Capacity for sitting in between two opposites, or two parts of myself at odds, is an experience I am begrudgingly learning to tolerate. And if I’ve learned anything about myself (a lesson from the black boxes), the only way to get the see-saw back in balance is to pay attention to the one who demands the attention.
(And a side note on the use of the word lazy: I revere this word. May we celebrate and aspire to it. In this context, even though it is maddening, it is also true and not intended as an insult to any part of my being or anyone else’s. All beings deserve rest.)
For anyone else stuck on an unbalanced see-saw, who feels like they will never arrive at the destination they desire or that things are not moving fast enough in the direction of your dreams, may you find peace in this offering.