In my entire grown-up life, I have managed to send out holiday cards…once? twice? Let’s put it this way: it’s been so infrequent that I can’t remember how many times I’ve done it, nor when the last time was.
Instead of cards though, if I had a magic wand, I’d invite everyone, near and far, over for a cookie and champagne party (and wave the wand to make the cookies appear out of thin air and taste delicious) so that we could all catch up on the REAL things that have happened this year. Cards are great and all, but they never answer the deep questions I have. And maybe all of those questions could be summed up by simply asking…how did you grow this year? Because let’s be real – some of you are sending me cards full of photos that show me how your kids are growing, but just because you aren’t changing at the same rate they are doesn’t mean you’ve stopped growing, and I find that internal growth is more interesting anyway.
So rather than promise to send out a card that I’ll never get around to driving to the post office, and because those cookies aren’t making themselves (damn), I’ll answer the question I want answered and hope that maybe you’ll either leave your answer in the comments or send me a note to share your stories.
You know that meme with the iceberg? That sums up the past three years.
On the surface, there’s the growing of writing and teaching yoga and offering new ways to make photos together. If you’re reading this, or get the newsletter, maybe you’ve seen that. But behind the scenes of starting those things, there’s been a lot of making peace that had to happen.
I’ve made progress in making peace with my body, learning better ways to care for her and listening to how she wants to be cared for. I’ve discovered that she wants a lot of personal space and that we get along best if I approve of her needs (and this is an ongoing negotiation – maybe next year I’ll finally give up negotiating, because body wins every time).
I’m learning to make peace with a slower pace. That everything takes longer than I think it will, and I literally cannot do it all by myself. This summer, I spent a month learning to ask for help. The patio that I wanted to build on my own by March will not be built this year, by me or anyone else, but there is progress on the horizon now that I’ve accepted help. It takes time to build a thing – it took six months rather than six weeks to give this website a makeover. If my dreams don’t happen this year, I’m learning to make sure they are still what I want to move toward and taking the tiniest steps until it happens. I’ve grown in my ability to commit to practices and making new things and know that I’ll show up to see them through.
And I’m growing in the direction of trusting myself. This one has been the longest and hardest time coming. I tried somatic experiencing and released a lot of trauma – it turns out that body-based therapies are the sweet spot for me. I can acknowledge that I use other people’s problems to avoid my own, and see when I’m doing it. And I’ve grown in being able to simply sit with hard feelings and not give into the urge to fix everything all the time.
And my most favorite of all the growth is that I feel more certain than ever that getting older is not a thing to fear because it’s a chance to become even more yourself. I was 34 years old when I did my first chin-up ever, so I know that the stories about being your “best version of yourself” in your teens or twenties are bullshit. (Also – chin-ups are symbolic here. Let the measuring stick be something you thought you’d never, ever be able to do.) And it feels easier to embrace my own style and follow pleasure without the shame. Releasing all of the shoulds and supposed tos is the best part of growing up. Getting a chance to live even more freely as the years go by is something I can’t wait to grow into.