WANT

Have you ever noticed where you feel desire in your body? And what those sensations feel like?

Do you ever feel overwhelmed with wanting something “that you can’t have”?

Do you allow yourself to want things in the first place?

Or maybe you’ve tried to make goals but you can’t come up with anything that you want. (Look, I have been there. Sometimes I want things with the passion of a thousand burning suns, and other times, I can’t come up with a single thing I want because everything feels like too much. Usually the second one has something to do with hormones and anxiety and depression…and it’s a signal from my body that I need to rest and replenish).

Something about this time around the winter solstice is when my attention wants to tune in to what I desire. I know the rest of the world is all about New Year’s resolutions. But something about the shortest day of the year and the move inward (physically indoors and the pensive nature of the season) as the weather shifts to cold and dark feels like the time I want to give this energy and consideration.

I’ve done plenty of New Year’s workbooks and planners, but this year, I want to do something different. This year, I want to sit with the question of what I want to move toward, what feels fun, what feels free, imagine and notice how the imagining feels in my body.

What I’m paying attention to right now is what my body wants to move toward. I feel the pull forward somewhere around my belly button and between my ribs when I think about visiting places west, making creative portraits with streams of light, building a patio in our backyard, and embracing more pleasure, delight, and less shame. All of those things draw me forward; they feel magnetic and alive, maybe a little bit sparkly and bright.

Rather than make them anything official, I want to sit with them for the next few weeks. Feel their weight and sensations, how they change, where they lead in my imagination. Wanting used to come with a sense of urgency, but now there is pleasure simply in anticipation and possibility.